This is a shout out to Sara, wherever you are!
Social skills can be a challenge for many of us on any given day, but for our loved ones on the spectrum, those anxieties are magnified. Our 11-year-old desires social interaction but hasn't ever been able to suss out how to get things rolling. He is constantly disappointed that his attempts to start up conversations with others are often ignored or met with strange looks.
This summer we were at a breakfast and our son was trying to strike up a conversation with a little girl. He was disappointed that she appeared to be ignoring him. I pointed out, as I had many times before, that just "saying" things to people about your interests doesn't start a conversation. Mind you, we have had years of targeted therapy addressing this topic, and our kid is an expert at explaining how to do it according to those sessions. However, the actual application of those lessons never seemed to materialize in real life situations. That moment with the little girl gave me the idea to give him a real time example of HOW to start a conversation with a stranger. I whispered, "watch this" and said "hi" to the little girl. I then complimented her on her dress and asked some questions about it. I closed by wishing her a good day. To my surprise, he immediately took his observations to our table and struck up a conversation with other children at a neighboring table.
A similar opportunity arose at an event this past weekend. While waiting for the event to start, our son indicated to the group that he was interested in dinosaurs and several other children also indicated the same interest. However, when I suggested he go over and talk to one of the other kids, he was shy and said he didn't know how. Another mother was close by and I suspected she could hear this conversation, so I told our son to watch me and I would show him how. I approached this other mother, Sara, and introduced myself. She graciously played along. I asked her about her interests and in turn she asked me about mine. We parted saying it was nice to meet each other.
The event promptly started after this exchange, but at the break, our son, taking in that exchange with Sara, approached the other child on his own volition, introduced himself and started a conversation. Since then, we have had two opportunities in public where I noticed that when I said "hello" to strangers passing by, he did the same.
Our kid, who heretofore had no interest in modelling behavior, apparently just needed to make that connection between the actions and the why behind them. Whether it is his maturity in age, or just the approach, I'll never know. What I do know is that the gracious generosity of Sara to help model that type of interaction on the fly helped make the connection for our son and gave him the confidence he needed to try it himself. It also helped me recognize an approach that I could build on in the future.
Sometimes, even with the innumerable hours devoted to various therapies and social skills classes, etc., it's the things we do on the fly to exemplify those lessons in real life that can really make a difference. Thank you, Sara, for being my partner on the fly!
Hi Dani, Love this blog post. For me as a new parent and someone who gets to work with kids, one of the biggest joys of being with kids is when they surprise us. I really like how you captured that here.