Around the age of 5, our son started questioning why things seemed harder for him than for other kids. We had always been open about his diagnosis, but it was then when we really started to talk about how his brain was working in its own way. We emphasized that his differences meant a lot of good things - like how he had an excellent memory, was funny, and was really good at schoolwork. But also, that he had a harder time moving from one thing to another, and that his emotions could be very big when something didn't turn out as expected. Then, about a year and a half ago, when our son was 7, he started exploring his autism himself.
Every time he encountered a new situation where he was uncomfortable, he told anyone who was around "I have autism, so . . ." fill in the blank. Some of it was legit in trying to figure out how he is affected by his particular place on the spectrum, and some of it was just hysterically 7: "Mom, I have autism, you know, so I like to have dessert before dinner."
As parents, we were trying to avoid the landmines that might indeed have us eating ice cream at 5:30 in the evening, while being very proud of, and supporting, his effort to figure out how he could advocate for himself.
To this end, I recounted a story about meeting one of his acquaintances for the first time. This was a slightly older boy (10 at the time), who attended a social skills group right after our son's ended. They knew each other and had interacted in the waiting room. When I first met this young man, we were talking, and he explained that he had a hard time looking people in the eye when he talked to them. I used this as an example for our son of how it is always o.k. to let others know of any difficulty he might be having. I also pointed out how sharing that information had been very appropriate and helpful to our interaction. His response was "that's just like autism!" and I replied "yes, 'so-and-so' has autism". My son's reaction was not what I expected: "What???? OMG! So, he's the first person I have met with autism???!!!" (Ummmm . . . no, but who am I to unseat his new role model?)
Kids are so amazing in what they see - or what they don't. Our son was thrilled. Here was another kid, who he thought was cool, also on the spectrum, and figuring out how to advocate for himself. Our son had been struggling with a level of confusion about what autism meant for him, but this new knowledge seemed to change that and give him a fresh level of confidence.
This young man unwittingly served as a role model for our son. I am not only grateful for the confidence and inspiration that he gave our son, but also for his being so open with me, for his strength in advocating for himself in an effort to facilitate our communication, and for the tool he gave me to support my own child.
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