My wife shared a post last month on Mother's Day. She asked me to do something similar as a father. Being a father of a child with ASD, and having it myself, there are plenty of things I could share. Today I will follow her lead and share a little of what I want for my child and how I try to help him get there.
One of the things my wife mentioned was happiness. I share that desire. Who wouldn't? Of course, that is much easier said than done. Most of us don't even know how to secure our own happiness. Something that I think really helps in that effort, and is a bit of a struggle for our child, is figuring out how to fit in. This is much harder for people on the spectrum than others - for whom it isn't trivial, either.
I don't mean "conforming" when I say this. I couldn't teach him to do that even if I thought that was what he was looking for. I mean "fitting in"; being able to engage with others in a way that is meaningful and rewarding for both parties.
He is, and always has been, very gregarious. He wants friends and he wants to engage with them. Even at a very young age, he wanted his family close about him - his "pack": mother, father, grandparents, and cousins. Close enough to see them and feel their presence. But he does reach a limit, which right now seems to be around four hours. Then he has to have his quiet time, where he can release his pent-up tensions and relax from the strictures of "typical" social interactions.
Now, here we come to the rub. We've been working with him and with therapists since he was two to help him figure this out. Often when engaging with others, he can only discuss what interests him. Maybe that is typical, but the topics are a bit different, they get continuously repeated, and they can go on for the whole day, month, year or, what feels like life! For example, while his peers were recently going on about Among Us, a current computer game, he was happily comparing the relative sizes of various viruses; even though he plays the game and is very familiar with it. For an adult, hearing a comparison on the relative size of the largest virus with the smallest prokaryotic bacteria can become tedious after the thirtieth repetition - but for a kid?
Our child can turn any conversation from one subject to something completely different. Suppose a young peer says, "...and then the Imposter killed me." Our son might reply, "Speaking of dying in space, did you know that tardigrades can survive in the hard vacuum of space?" As you might guess, this is not the best way to foster friendships among young peers.
So, as a father, what do I do? First, I accept him as he is. I love him and I'm not trying to make him a different person. I personally wish we had more tolerance in this world, but that is not within my capability to change. What I do try to do is help him achieve the things he wants in life. Something that seems very important to him from my perspective is to engage with people - from friends at school, to the people that he encounters in his games, to the strangers that he talks to as we walk our way through the world. The last group is common. I've seen him start talking to perfect strangers about the names of different stars in our galaxy and how almond production is a giant tax on our water resources. It's extraordinary and I am amazed by his openness. Not all are so accepting, so I try to find ways to support him being himself.
I must have a dozen autism shirts and I'm not afraid to wear them. This is my attempt to not so subtly let people know who they are interacting with. I hope that strangers will see the shirt when he starts talking to them about some particular interest or has a strong emotional outburst. I hope that some will pause in their judgements, realize that there is a reason that he might act a little differently, and give our son a little more emotional space to be himself.
I won't always be there wherever he goes. So, we have taken courses and read books. We try to learn skills that we can teach him to help him deal with his emotions and we try to teach him techniques for interacting with others. A lot of the behaviors that come more naturally to other kids are harder for him. All kids have to learn and be taught how to be social beings. He just needs more help. On the other hand, he doesn't need much motivation to learn science. So, that could probably be a bit of a tradeoff.
We can see now his struggles when forming friendships, but I also am concerned about when he goes out to find work. We have companies now that promote their own policies on tolerance and diversity, but I've also seen policies on expected behavior. Many of their examples of unacceptable behavior seem to be drawn straight from a description of ASD in the DSM-5. This makes me worried.
I want my son to be happy. I want him to be fulfilled. I want him to have the tools that will allow him to succeed in a world that will not always be tolerant of him and the way he is. I want him to succeed at the things that matter to him most.
I believe he will find friends, love and joy. I believe he will find a job or career where he can excel and where colleagues will have acceptance of his differences. I believe he will be appreciated for all of the wonderful things he offers, despite his challenges. But, as we always try to explain, relationships are reciprocal. For all of these he will need the ability to "fit in" at some level. If he can do this, I think he will find the space he needs to be himself among people he loves, respects and trusts.
On this Father's Day, I'm thinking about my relationship with my child and what a special job it is to be his Dad. I hope you're thinking about yours as well.
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