AS things change - some remain the same

I'm sure we're not alone in this: our son is turning into a grown boy. Hormones are coming in and bringing with them all their nasty friends - acne, even more emotions, "fun" topics of conversation. He is almost eye-to-eye with me now and hugging him and holding him like he is a small child is no longer an option. So many changes.

Unfortunately, though, I sometimes lose myself in those changes. I look at him and see someone who is developing into a young man so quickly and my expectations follow. Then, I am surprised that there are still over-the-top reactions, still desires for "plushies" that reflect his interest, still fears and concerns that I don't understand, just to name a few. Still so many things remain unchanged.

This was ever-present on a recent vacation. We were at a beautiful resort with many wonderful things to do, and he wanted to do them all. Several we had done on a previous visit. Those activities went through without a hitch. But for the new activities, even though he had been the one to choose them, he had trepidations upon arrival. He "just want(ed) to go back to the hotel." He was "tired." He "needed a snack." He "want[ed] to go to the gift shop." He resorted to citing a myriad of facts non-stop - which is one of the things he does to calm himself and order his world.

My husband and I were frustrated. After all, these were the things he chose. How could he now, now that we were there, not want to do anything? And then suddenly we were reminded, "oh yeah, he has autism - his approach is different."

I know it sounds crazy - like how on earth could we forget? But he has all these new sophistications with age, and just his physical presence can lull us into forgetting some of his needs. When we realized that he really just needed to "walk the park" - get a feel for the layout of some of these activities, see with his own eyes (and not just the brochure) what was entailed, then he could move on and start enjoying himself.

We know this about him. I felt like a terrible parent.

Until the situation finally dawned on me, I had given him a hard time, asked him for reasons, pointed out that it was he who chose the activity. I let my frustration show. When we finally realized what was happening, and just supported him in "getting the lay of the land," we were able to salvage the day. He relaxed and we were able to enjoy some really fun activities as a family.

This is all just a reminder that, even with the best intentions, as parents and caregivers we can't be on top of it all the time. Our son couldn't articulate his needs, and I was so focused on what the day should look like in my own mind, that I failed to recognize them myself. When I stopped focusing on his actions as being contrary to what I expected, I could see them for what they were - his coping mechanisms. And when we gave him the room and freedom to settle in and be comfortable at his own pace, the day turned out exactly like I saw it in my mind: a day filled with fun new adventures, lots of laughs, and fantastic new memories.